I saw her today. The part of me I’ve been ignoring, not wanting to see. Pre-teen/early teen years. Don’t you remember those years? Everything is so confusing during that time. You want to break the mold your parents placed around you, prove to them and yourself that you’re capable of taking care of your damn self. Thing is, you have no skills to do that during those hormonal days. You’re experimenting with everything your parents warned you to stay away from, you’re eagerly lapping up validation from your peers because you just don’t feel like you get it at home (even if you do). It’s a confusing time. Who are you? Who am I? How do we fit with each other?
That is the girl I saw today. She told me she had been trying to reach me for a while now. My thoughts were accepting a million memories a second, she was reminding me, triggering all the dreams she had been sending me. There were hundreds, that in an instant I remembered, every last detail. After the dream recall came the memories, thousands of memories from that time. I watched how hardened I had become to myself. Forming a thick calouse around my energy as I beat myself down over and over for not being good enough, not succeeding, not pleasing my mother’s expectations.
After all of that was over, there she was. Standing there, she had tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m just a child” she sobbed. She was crying to me, and begging me to realize this truth so I could stop beating on her. So that I could understand it was about experience, and not the illusion that I had some mission to succeed and be validated.
I grabbed her and held her and we both cried until we became one. A solid gold and white light filled both of us, welding us together at the heart. Now, that part of me can be at peace, and she can be comforted forever. She forgives the part of me that hurt her, and now I can finally hear her needs and heal her.
Editor: Jody E. Freeman