We are all familiar with the ego. The ego has helped give us enough self-awareness to keep the physical body alive throughout human evolution. The ego itself is not bad, even in its inflated/deflated state. I do not consider any aspect of myself bad, so I try not to call it names just as I try not to call people acting in their over-inflated states names. The more I come to understand the ego and its participation in my development, the more I have come to appreciate what it has been trying to do all along, which is develop me, my drive, my creativity, my “SELF,” and my physical survival.
Yes, I have heard self is just an illusion, but if we truly believe we are multidimensional beings (and I do) then every aspect of myself is real, and for a purpose. My goal is to bring every aspect of myself into harmony with the highest parts of myself. I once believed that self-pity, doubt, fear, and anger were all illusions, that they weren’t real! But I do believe they are just as real as joy, love, harmony, and kindness. It is how I choose to interact with those aspects of me and how I plan to bring them into the light. If I am sitting in ego, letting fear run me on a subject, for example, I am feeding that part, allowing the creation and breeding of thoughtforms. They get bigger and bigger, they can become their own entity, but they are still me, still an aspect of me. What happens when I identify them and begin to throw love at them? Simply put, their vibration has an increase in light, which means it has less control over me in the dark. So, as long as I am bringing that light through me, and giving that light to others, those thoughtforms and “negative” (I don’t like that word) aspects of myself have less and less control. If only looking at that aspect then yes, fear/ego is an illusion, as it has no real control over me. I can re-develop my ego into a more healthy aspect of itself, giving me a more enlightened awareness of all of “me”, all the way up to Source.
I want to give some examples of how ego presents itself. The first is a friend, Sarah. Sarah is a beautiful woman, and I do not just mean physically. She carries a lot of light, and her inner vibe shows an enormous amount work. She is young, in her 20’s, I think. She has very little self-confidence, but always says, “I do not care what others think,” when in fact she is drooling for validation from every person around her. She walks around with a less than lovely attitude, she is smug, and pretends she is trash. She refers to herself as “not nice”, “garbage”, and “a rebel”. Her stride is tough, she doesn’t bathe well, her mouth….oh, her mouth; she says the most vile things she can think of so she can be sure to offend everyone around her. She does that because she wants to be sure that she is treating herself that way before anyone else has the chance. My favorite thing about Sarah is that when I used to smile at her, she would scoff and snarl. She was not very friendly, but eventually she learned to trust me enough that when I give her a compliment, she believes that I believe it, and says “thank you”. When she posts things on her FB page about how tough or mean she is it makes me smile, because I can see her true self: a beautiful, talented, creative, and smart, young woman. All the things she believes about herself are what her ego has told her. She has given her independence and self-worth away in exchange for this persona because of her terrible past. It is her way to keep others away so that she cannot be hurt like she was before. In a way, it is her ego that has tried to save her from being hurt. I cannot look at her like she is rotten or terrible, like she wants me to. I cannot because I know it is just her ego trying to protect her. She is soft, kind, and beautiful.
The other person I want to mention is Sally, who is about my age. She identifies herself as tough-as-nails, a warrior, a mother, and a survivor. She has seen some shit, man. If there was ever a woman who has been through hell it is her! She is independent, fair, open-minded, and will kick your ass if you try to invade her space. She is self-motivated and responsive to the needs of those people around her. She has kissed her demons on the lips and told them she was not afraid, she has ripped her own power out of the hands of a would-be thief and created beauty out of total garbage. Sally will still fight her ego, though. When it comes in to try to strip her self-worth away, when it tries to tear her old wounds open and let the fear out, she pushes back. She says, “I am in charge here.” She has a firm grasp around the neck of her ego, but still I can sense the fear there in how she treats the ego in anger, beating it in to submission. Is that wrong? I don’t judge, and it certainly seems to be working well for her.
I will use myself as a final example. I am the grey between those two women. I have lived many hells that people would never be able to understand. Some days I feel the only way to get a grip on myself is to push everyone away and become cruel and vile. Other days, I kick the dick off my ego and scream to it, “I am in charge!” But, one thing that is very different for me is that now when many of the days that the ego comes up, I can spot it quicker, and I can treat it with love instead of feeding it fear, hurt, and anger. I embrace it for what it is trying to do for me. I don’t call myself (it) names, I don’t argue with it, I don’t do anything but acknowledge the lesson it is trying to teach me and then move forward with changes through love.
I don’t think that any of the above examples of ego are wrong. As a matter of fact, I think the way everything is happening is absolutely perfect. I believe that even the darkest parts of myself love me. Why else would it be pushing me to the light? I am hard-headed, I have been known to struggle with lessons in love, and it has taken some dark moments/events to take place in my life for me to run towards that light. I am not bound in darkness and stuck in the shadows. I am the Light, and all of those things I experienced are about me increasing the light that I am holding in my heart, not just in this physical place of existence, but in many places.
I had a vision Monday. I was in place surrounded by what looked like a gigantic kaleidoscope, the colors constantly changing and interlocking. There was not a single space of darkness; it was all just a constant flow of beautiful light. It almost looked like it was breathing, taking turns exchanging parts of itself with other parts. Almost 360 degrees of this, and the sound that accompanied it was magnificent. There was only a small space, a thin oval of white light. I stared at this “spot” for some time. Occasionally I would hear a “whooshing” sound and see a part of the kaleidoscope rush through it. There was never enough time for darkness to appear, its spot was immediately and simultaneously filled in with color. I looked down at my hands only to find that I had none, and the feeling of floating on an ocean had overtaken me. I was a part of this sea of colors. There was no me, I was only a blossom of color among the beauty. There was no ME. As I came out of the vision I had a feeling of gratitude for not only experiencing the vastness and love of all that is, but also for the self, the EGO.
We are here to experience. I experience this life my way, as each person experiences it their way, and together we make the blanket for all that is.
Questions or comments? email me at Thirdeyebetty@gmail.com or visit my website HERE.